A post I saw on Facebook:
finnicktional: “Who the hell names hurricanes and why do they give them the least threatening names? If you see on the news that hurricane Erin is blowing through, you’re like ‘Pfft. Erin? I can take that slut’. But if it’s like hurricane Dicksmasher is coming, you pack up and leave.”
dumbfuckery: I stole this kid’s neopets account and when I checked my email I find this
albarndamon: i think the greatest accomplishment in my life so far was being represented at the 2012 olympics as a piece of confetti
At my work, when a guest says “thank you” it’s the new company policy to say “my pleasure” instead of any other reply. I’ve been having a hard time remembering to say it instead of you’re welcome, and today when one of my customers said thank you I accidentally mashed both replies together and said “you’re my pleasure” while making complete eye contact
alexismarie: katara: did sweden go to old navy for their outfits this is embarrassing because i work at old navy
booksandwildthings: brendonboydlikeurie: sexualcl0wn: mintyflavored: livvefast: groovieghoulie: socialjusticeally: notkorra: hashgag: throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up throwing handles at people who need to get a grip throwing refrigerators at people who need to chill throwing scissors at people who need to “cut it out” throwing clocks at people who need to...
American commentary for the Opening Ceremonies
imaginingthefire: mochisquish: “And now a giant baby at the center of the stage. I can’t tell if that’s creepy or cute.” “This is in honor of Tim Berners-Lee, and if you don’t know who that is, neither do I. Google it.” “To catch you up, the story thus far is boy meets girl, girl loses phone, boy finds phone, boy loses girl, boy finds girl, boy and girl get together.” “They have a name...
westernkanye: my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when I’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman
ohgermanlove: good things about autumn the leaves change color feeling rain seeing rain hearing rain cloudy skies cardigans hats big sweaters daily cups of tea baths that last hours halloween the way everything smells pumpkin patches literally everything
me: i'd really like to do that but i don't have any fucking money
jackspersprite: countfrankula: i don’t know why everyone makes the grim reaper out to be a bad guy i mean he’s just taking to you to the afterlife it’s not like he killed you it’s actually quite nice of him to walk you there imagine if you had to go alone
Marvel's biggest secret is how they make Robert...
crumplehornedsnorkack: samsamtastic: RDJ is 5’ 8½” Gwyneth (5’ 9”) and we know she is wearing killer heels ALL the time Chris (6’ 0½”) … problem solved screaming OMFG
dinotrash: pinkspotlight: what happens at olive garden when theyre grating the cheese and you don’t say “when” the waiter gets more and more concerned as the cheese starts piling up and you remain silent. they eventually plead with you to stop this madness and just say when, but you hold firm. olive garden fills with cheese, killing everyone in the building as cheese begins to pour out into...
melata: i dont say “no” to drugs i say “no thank you” because i wasnt raised in a fucking barn like some of you hoodlums
I wish I’d done everything on Earth with you.– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (via lungs-)
I was hungry so I bought some animal crackers at...
Cashier guy: ok that will be 1.39
Me: uh can I get a bag too please?
Cashier guy: *gives me a weird look but hands me a small bag*
Me: thank you I think people might look at me funny if they see me walking around the mall with animal crackers you know
Cashier guy: what just be like "YEH I LIKE ANIMAL CRACKERS AND WHAT"
Cashier guy (as I'm leaving): DON'T LET THE HATERS BRING YOU DOWN YOU EAT THOSE ANIMAL CRACKERS GIRL